There is nothing more fearful to the ones who are
living far away from their aging parents with oceans apart than to get an
emergency call in the middle of the night. To me, having a shallow night’s
sleep in a regular bed of nails has
just felt like normal for all those years.
The vaguely devastating time came
into being as a harsh reality on the night of January 6th. Mom’s
voice from the other side of the phone sounded like a candle in the wind.
“Jean, it’s about time we all needed to get together for dad….” I flew right
the next day with my husband and our son Hans.
What was waiting for us was my struggling dad connected
to multitudinous needles and tubes
in the ICU. When we arrived there,
six hopeless eyes – of mom, older sister, and brother-in-law – welled up with
tears were staring at dad lying almost lifeless in his narrow hospital bed.
Since dad was a COPD patient, his
doctors have warned all along that there will come the moment of acute exacerbation due to hypercapnia someday, and we can’t
expect anything like convalescence
in this disease. It was not the doctors’ froideur
but cold reality we needed to face. The moment I saw and read his lips through
the tube stuck in his respiratory tract, all I could think of was just that we’d
need to rid him of all this pain as soon as possible. Dad’s lips are telling us
to “REMOVE! REMOVE the tube! REMOVE!”. In this circumstance full of pain,
nothing could be viewed inhumane or inconsiderate to help him free of pain,
even if it means all the life-saving devices or services are pulled off. Sigh….
That night, his doctor and all our family had a serious
discussion on whether there should be
tracheotomy for the purpose of prolonging his life or just we should let
him go peacefully when his lungs and heart have done their jobs without further
treatments or surgery until their final moment. Hard. Sad. Devastated. Yet one
thing that we all agreed upon was that there should be NO MORE PAIN added to my
ailing father. We didn’t even have time to cry or get emotional about this
whole situation. Mom signed the DNR
order presented by the doctor that night. She looked absent-minded, and we
all felt totally numb in the dreary hospital hallway.
In the throes of fast deteriorations in every corner of
his body, Dad was conscious and responding to each and every one of our
comments and prayers for him. He could eat half of the small tub of yogurt and
thin rice grits spoon-fed by me. As the sun was about to set on the 6th
day of our arrival, dad started to get delirious and spat out meaningless talk,
such as “five plus one…..totals six…..
Yes! No!........one plus five…..”. I instantly caught the end of his
sentence and started to chime in saying “Yes, daddy! You’re right! Five plus
one totals six! Amazing! Good job!” Our ping pong of meaningless talk lasted
about a few minutes…..and then, he was gradually falling asleep. As the night
deepened, he was becoming farther, distant, …..and out of reach from us all.
Even the death rattle was gone. The
delirious talk between me and my dad was our one last conversation in this
world, which was my dad’s last gift to me.
To the lady, whom we call our loving mother and who has
spent 52 golden years with her husband, the world must feel totally different
now. Empty. Lonely. Frustrated. In search of somebody to fulminate against…… but peaceful at the same time with the thought
that her husband is finally not in the breathless pain. A new day, a new night, and a new life have begun in front of mom. We all know that dad must be up there in
Heaven, watching over us all with a smile. Hopefully and desperately, he is not
smoking elsewhere….. Goodbye, my doting
daddy…but goodbye doesn’t mean we will forget you. We will love you more each
day forever and ever more.
Expressions
bed of nails: (idiomatic
expression) difficult and unpleasant situation
to come into being: (verb)
to begin existence
multitudinous:
(noun) very numerous; existing in great numbers/ consisting of many parts
ICU: (noun) Intensive
Care Unit (at a hospital)
COPD: (noun) Chronic
Obstructive Pulmonary Disease, which is an umbrella term used to describe
progressive lung diseases. This disease is characterized by increasing
breathlessness and develops for years without noticeable shortness of breath.
The signs and symptoms of COPD include increased breathlessness, frequent
coughing (with and without sputum), wheezing, and tightness in the chest.
exacerbation:
(noun) an increase in the severity of a disease or its signs and symptoms.
hypercapnia:
(noun) excessive carbon dioxide in the bloodstream, typically caused by
inadequate respiration
convalescence:
(noun) recovery or recuperation from an illness
froideur:
(noun) originated from French, meaning “cold attitude’ or “superiority”
tracheotomy:
(noun) an incision in the windpipe made
to relieve an obstruction to breathing
DNR order:
(noun) DNR stands for “Do Not Resuscitate”, which is a medical order written by
a doctor. It instructs health care providers not to do cardiopulmonary
resuscitation (CPR) if a patient's breathing stops or if the patient's heart
stops beating.
death rattle:
(idiomatic expression) As the end of a patient is coming near, his or her
breath becomes labored and ‘gurgling’, which can sound alarming. However, this
is quite normal and caused by secretions pooling in the back of the throat.
to fulminate:
(verb) to criticize severely/ to express vehement protest
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