Dr. Jedidiah’s Diary
Dr. Jedidiah is a psychiatrist who loves
traveling, meeting new people, and exploring different cultures. As a single
father who lost his wife to drug overdose 10 years ago, he has not been his old
perky self for the last decade. During those hard years, he has met hundreds
of, thousands of people from various walks of life around all over the world.
Meeting new people and listening to their stories outside his office have given
him different feelings from the ones through the formal encounter groups or
being truly honest with himself. Here is Dr. Jedidiah’s monologue that has left
him with some food for thoughts in life….or a fodder to justify his own
mistakes in the past.
Episode 57. You Are Beautiful
Steve always looked perfectly presentable not only in our
therapy sessions, but even in the sweaty tennis court on a lazy Sunday
afternoon as well. Either in a casual rally or in a very competitive
match, Steve would give out effulgent aura all the time while every
other player was running on fumes and soaked to the skin in sweat. From
the first time I met him, I could tell he must have been in show biz or engaged
in fashion or beauty industry. His facial skin looked smooth and shiny like that
of a porcelain doll, and his big almond eyes were neatly lined with some sweatproof
black liner, I guessed. One day, he asked me if I was available for a new
patient in my office for about a month or two. I automatically said yes, even
though I had been fully booked. I found myself kind of stoked at the
thought of seeing a very interesting person on a regular basis. Maybe I had
been waiting for the moment he asked me for a therapy session. I knew the time
to explore and study this man in my office would not be felt an onerous
duty as a shrink at all.
“Dr. J, I’m so glad I met you in our tennis club. Thanks
for having me in your office.” said Steve with a bright smile on his speckless
face. He knew that I was staring at his face although he was looking outside
the window. “I know what’s on your mind, Dr. J. You think I’m freaky wacko
or something, ain’t you? Haha…” I was embarrassed
with his abrupt and straightforward question, but pretended that I wasn’t, saying
“No,….no, you’re wrong. I’ve always been wondering if….you are in the field of beauty
industry or designing apparel. Am I making sense to you? I mean..you look dandy
and snazzy all the time.” Steve gave me
a bitter smile and then looked a bit disappointed. He said he had been very
successful as a makeup artist and launched his own brand of cosmetics, but so
hurt inside throughout the years even after his passion and career had been viewed
as palmary success. There was no need to ask him what hurt him so much,
because I was able to read what he meant. Awkward silence filled the air inside
my office for minutes, and Steve broke the heavy quiet by saying “I am gay. I
haven’t hided it, and that has caused many people I used to adore to gradually estrange
themselves from me. They were smiling in my presence and fustigating me
for not being straight. I thought I was their friend no matter what I am or who
I was. Would that matter to you, Dr. J? Please help me before I reach a point
of becoming suicidal.”
Steve and I are still tight, knowing each other inside
out, sharing good and bad times, and even making lighthearted jokes about our
friendship between a gay or a straight guy. I look forward to playing tennis
with Steve on Sundays. He is way better than me in every game, and I am so
willing to hail him as a winner in his life as well as a beautiful gay man. Steve's winsome smile at the tennis court does not hold back any dark, sad secrets anymore. His porcelain skin and sleek eyelines are telling me so, exuding the inexpressible happiness from within.
* If you want to listen to Christina Aguillera’s song “Beautiful”,
visit here at stubbarnir’s youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoYEQgG4-JY&ab_channel=stubbarnir
Expressions
1. rally:
a
sequence of back and forth shots between players, within a point in tennis
2. effulgent:
radiant; shining brightly
3. to
run on fumes: to be very tired; to work in the state of
lowest energy or fuel
4. stoked:
excited
5. onerous: (of a task, duty, or responsibility) involving an amount of effort and difficulty that is oppressively burdensome
6. wacko: crazy/ insane
7. palmary: deserving
to have the palm of victory or success; praiseworthy
8. to
fustigate …: to criticize severely
9. to
be tight: close and chummy with each other
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