Bad, sad news came. My cousin died out of the blue. It
was only two months after I said goodbye to my dad. Bitter, painful, and strong
disbelief in God’s providence. I said to myself ‘This must not be God’s plisky. What kind of lesson is he
showing me through back-to-back losses of beloved family and close relatives?’
I could hardly focus on anything, feeling too confused and flaccid. I even dragged myself while doing my favorite pastime
“running” with all the worries and concerns that I might be stepping into some
kind of weltschmerz or nihilism. Sigh….
Then a pop-up information page about a trail race
caught my eyes on line. I blinked my eyes twice and clicked right away to sign
up for the race that was only two weeks away. FYI, I had never run on the
territory of the woods or in any kind of technical trails in my life. The
registration may sound to you like an impulsive decision just to regain
normalcy after my recent agony. Yes, it did. I had regretted every single day
of the two weeks reluctantly training on the dirt paths of the trail. Running
at my fastest pace on the slippery soil littered with twigs and dog poops was
not pleasant at all. For those two full weeks, I had been blaming my
thoughtless decision to participate in the trail race with not enough time to
train.
Make
no mistake, the race day arrived, and it was time for me to stop critical drubbing on myself to get
ready to toe the start line. Race day jitter reached all the way up in the
midst of serious runners of all ages. Most of them had a perfect outdoor
runners’ swarthy face and body with
toned muscles all over. Damn! I was Intimidated. At 8:00 A.M. sharp, everyone
at the start line began the light(?) and joyous(?) journey of 6.24 miles with
no time to take a beat.
I had been on the continuum of getting annoyed and
frustrated each time I was passed by outrageously fast runners. However, as
dopamine ran down through the path of my body while I was picking up the pace,
a thought came to me that this pain is something that I can control. It is
different kind of physical and emotional pain from that of my past father and
cousin. This pain has an end, while theirs was not until their lives came to an
end. I’ve tried to believe my loved ones that I lost have gone up to some place
better than here or not just better, but rather some place that we can barely
imagine how beautiful it is and is filled with the taste of ambrosia. Well, what really happens up
there may be kept secret based on the nondisclosure agreement between God’s
world and His angels that take people from this place on earth. What I know for
sure at the moment is that I need to thank our Lord for another day in which I
can run with the pain that has an end and smile in the shower!
Expressions
plisky:
a mischievous trick; practical joke or prank
flaccid:
lacking force, weak
weltschmerz: sorrow
that one feels and accepts as one's necessary portion in life; sentimental
pessimism
make
no mistake: have no doubt, certainly
critical
drubbing: a beating, as with a stick, cudgel
swarthy: (of
skin color, complexion, etc.) dark
to
take a beat: to stop for a moment to relax; pause and
think about what you are doing
ambrosia:
nectar of the gods; at celebrations the gods would feast on ambrosia
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