Dr. Jedidiah’s Diary
Dr. Jedidiah is a psychiatrist who loves
traveling, meeting new people, and exploring different cultures. As a single
father who lost his wife to drug overdose 10 years ago, he has not been his old
perky self for the last decade. During those hard years, he has met hundreds
of, thousands of people from various walks of life around all over the world.
Meeting new people and listening to their stories outside his office have given
him different feelings from the ones through the formal encounter groups or
being truly honest with himself. Here is Dr. Jedidiah’s monologue that has left
him with some food for thoughts in life….or a fodder to justify his own
mistakes in the past.
Episode #59. Lucida, the Brightest Star
The weekly therapy session with my patients - who were struggling
to be free from drug addiction – had always been emotionally charged. No
one there came without sadness or tearful past. Each one sitting in a circle looked
nervous waiting for his or her turn to tell who they were – in case of their
first session – and where they were standing in terms of coping with many-headed
hydra in their lives. Quite often times, there had been moments of sigh,
anger, tears, and even hysterical laughter. However, not all was wearing
their hearts on their sleeves. Some of them even looked nonchalant, and
some others were always like dying of boredom. I thought they purposefully
pretended to be the poster child of “bordom” by repeating oscillation
and pandiculation, because they didn’t want to draw attention.
On the day when I saw that young lady named Lucy in the group
session, I thought she might have been afraid of being around strangers, especially
when these strangers were not just a normally laid-back group of folks who were
very welcoming. She was wearing a boxy sweater and a long, thick scarf that
covered half her face and neck, and looking down on the floor as if she were trying
to find something to pick up. When it finally was her turn to talk briefly
about who she was, Lucy’s mellifluous voice turned everybody’s head. “Hi,….I’m
Lucida Biels. Just call me Lucy. I’ve been doing voice-over for a famous singer.
Well…you might not understand what I’m talking about. I…am singing for a pretty
singer who can’t sing like she used to. I sing for her behind the curtain like
a ghost.” The other patients did not seem stunned by what she did for a living,
but more surprised by Lucy’s lovely voice. Lucy went on to say how she ended up
sitting right here. “Well… I’ve always wanted to be a singer. I dreamed about belting
out my own song on stage, touching my audience at heart. But as you see, camera
doesn’t do me justice. I’m not slim enough or pleasantly plump for camera. Each
time I had a chance to audition to become a professional singer, it was always my
appearance, not my voice or singing caliber that was judged or badly criticized.”
To her dismay, Lucy wasn’t able to make her dreams come true but made up her
mind to sing behind the curtain instead. Lucy’s passion for singing had never dissipated,
and wished the standing ovation from the audience were for her, not for the
fake singer lip-synching out there on stage. After more than 10 years of being
a hidden singer, Lucy’s desire to come up on stage in the spotlight was pushing
her to the limit in bad direction. All her savings were used for small
nip-n-tucks, and she even started to take prescribed weight loss medications.
Then Lucy’s coworker at the recording studio gradually cajoled her into
doing some strong narcotic. Lucy was full of ambivalent emotions
and feelings about those substances. She felt carefree but scared of the unknown
aftermath, happy for hours but miserable when she’s back to sober reality,
comfortable being high but shameful of turning to drugs,….and most of all, she
was terribly fearful of losing her voice to drugs.
On our last therapy session, Lucy was still in layers and
layers of thick sweaters and mufflers hiding her silhouette. Most of the
patients were done with their therapy and gone, but Lucy was still there with a
couple of other patients. Lucy said she wanted to extend her gratitude to me
and the other patients for being right there as good listeners to her stories.
Then she stood up and took off the thick muffler. After a minute of complete silence,
Lucy sang her favorite song out loud for the very first time in my clinic. All
of the patients in the circle and I were lost for words. Deeply touched by her beautiful
voice. No drugs could help her stand up to sing like that. She needed ardent
listeners. Just like her name shows, Lucy was our real lucida, the
brightest star of all.
(*the source for the song “Because of You”: lyricsmusics4us https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9chqQdCMIUg&ab_channel=lyricsmusics4us)
(*Picture Source: https://www.forbes.com/sites/jamiecartereurope/2020/08/14/the-brightest-star-in-the-night-sky-rises-today-and-no-its-not-the-north-star/?sh=9f2f6046fbd2
Expressions
1. emotionally
charged: experiencing strong, raw, and uninhibited emotions that
can be difficult to control
2. hydra: multifarious
problems not to be overcome by a single effort
3. to
wear one’s heart on one’s sleeves: to make one’s feelings apparent
or revealed
4. nonchalant: feeling
or appearing casually calm and relaxed; not displaying anxiety, interest, or
enthusiasm
5. oscillation:
yawning
6. pandiculation:
stretching
7. mellifluous: (of a voice or words) sweet or musical; pleasant to hear.
8. to belt out: sing or play a song loudly and forcefully
9. to cajole
somebody into doing …: to persuade or entice one
into doing something.
10. narcotic: a drug or other substance that affects mood or behavior and is consumed for nonmedical purposes, especially one sold illegally.
11. ambivalent: having
mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone
12. lucida: the
brightest star in a constellation
Loved story so much I forget to think about boldface words.
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