Dr. Jedidiah's Diary: Episode 47. True Self in Shadow

 Dr. Jedidiah’s Diary

Dr. Jedidiah is a psychiatrist who loves traveling, meeting new people, and exploring different cultures. As a single father who lost his wife to drug overdose 10 years ago, he has not been his old perky self for the last decade. During those hard years, he has met hundreds of, thousands of people from various walks of life around all over the world. Meeting new people and listening to their stories outside his office have given him different feelings from the ones through the formal encounter groups or support groups for therapy. These people he has accidentally come across were the paths through which Dr. Jedidiah could look back on his own life, being truly honest with himself. Here is Dr. Jedidiah’s monologue that has left him with some food for thoughts in life….or a fodder to justify his own mistakes in the past.

Episode 47. True Self in Shadow

When I heard my old patient Bernie saying he’s sick of being attacked by random people on social media, I took a moment to process what he really meant to say. ‘Does he want to quit social networking? Otherwise, has he determined to disguise himself as someone he is not from now on?’ As a well-known polemic writer and novelist, Bernie had always been showing what’s on his mind straight up on his face book wall or in twitter arguments. That is obviously why he’d been the target among crude-mouthed people who weren’t fond of his way of thinking or the ones that just did not like his perfectly tidy and spiffy image of a yuppie. Those who criticize Bernie were the perfect strangers who had not even met him in person at all. Bernie would tell me now and then how much misunderstood he was by random folks out there. “They get me wrong….completely wrong.”

 

One day, I received a friend request on Face Book along with a direct message from a guy named Marvin. His profile picture had no face but a photo of a nice pair of reading glasses placed right next to a cup of coffee. His direct message was a real surprise to me: “Hey, Dr. J. This is your patient Bernie. I deleted my old account and came back as someone I made up. So…you’ll be the only one here that knows I am not Marvin.” Since I wasn’t quite sure if the message and friend request were sent by Bernie or he might have been hacked, I called him to check right away. It was my patient Bernie who opened a new FB account under the name of Marvin. To my question for him of why he came up with a fictitious figure instead of remaining as it was being his true self on social media, he said “Well…I wanted to see if people hate what I say or just hate ME as a famous public figure.”

 

Bernie had been very active with his duplicitous id on social media, which made me feel somewhat ambivalent about how he might really feel down inside. There was no one picking on Bernie – disguised as Marvin - or throwing shade at him anymore, even though he’d never changed his color of thoughts or opinions. Under the fake id, Bernie looked like someone who satisfices with current state of mind without trying hard to please or tiptoe around random people out there. But when I saw him at our major hangout one night, his blank eyes were telling me something else. He looked confused between his true self - whose ideas or assertions were always scathed and denounced by acrimonious tongues – and this ghost self that remained intact on social media. I can’t forget what he said that night. “Dr. J, I wish I had nerves to get across my thoughts without worrying or caring about others. I just want to be ‘Bernie’, saying his own words without having to deceive others through this disguise. Yes, I can do that, but I still wanna be respected as Bernie. As you see, it’s impossible ‘cause they just hate the well-known polemic author ‘Bernie’ for some reason.”

 

On my way home, I thought Bernie was not the only one who had such contradictory feelings. I’d also been like Bernie who wished to be loved just the way I was in my own true colors, but hided my true self to please everybody or not to be hated by any. Why would I need to be a darling person adored by everyone? Would I be happy going against what my heart prompts me to do and go with the flow with perfect strangers? Should I give room for those haters with no grounds in my mind?  Taking a long walk alone along the street, I found solace in the words of my favorite actor Anthony Hopkins’. “It’s none of my business what people say of me and think of me. I am what I am. I do what I do. I expect nothing and accept everything. And it makes life so much easier.”

 

Expressions 

    1.  polemic: a strong verbal or written attack on someone or something

 

    2.  straight up: honestly, truthfully

 

    3.  crude-mouthed: foul-mouthed or filthy mouth that uses verbal abuse

 

    4.  spiffy: smart in appearance

 

    5.  yuppie: a young urban professional (with a decent paying job)

 

    6.  fictitious: not real/ imaginary/ having been fabricated

 

    7.  duplicitous: deceitful

 

    8.  ambivalent: having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas

 

    9.  to throw shad at/on someone: to show disapproval or contempt

 

    10.              to satisfice: to settle for less/ to accept an available option as satisfactory

 

    11.              scathed: damaged or destroyed

* Picture Source: https://dansalinas.net/2019/11/22/illustration-true-self/