Dr. Jedidiah's Diary Episode #31. Charlie at the Crossroad

Dr. Jedidiah is a psychiatrist who loves traveling, meeting new people, and exploring different cultures. As a single father who lost his wife Demi to drug overdose 10 years ago, he has not been his old perky self for the last decade. During those hard years, he has met hundreds of, thousands of people from various walks of life around all over the world. Meeting new people and listening to their stories outside his office have given him different feelings from the ones through the formal encounter groups or support groups for therapy. These people he has accidentally come across were the paths through which Dr. Jedidiah could look back on his own life, being truly honest with himself. Here is Dr. Jedidiah’s monologue that has left him with some food for thoughts in life….or a fodder to justify his own mistakes in the past.




Episode # 31. Charlie at the Crossroad

Charlie had seen me at my office for 3 years, and the one and only purpose of his visits was to ask me for the assisted suicide. His question for me had always been “Would it still be impossible for you to connect me to any doctor…for ending my pain?” And then my response at each of our therapy session had always been the same. “You are asking the wrong person. I can’t. I won’t.” After a grueling hour of arguing about euthanasia, Charlie used to look frazzled as if he had already become a ghost leaving my office with a long suspiration muddled up with a fit of coughing behind.

  


This old man, suffering from lung cancer, was always collecting a welter of information on mercy killing. Whenever he stepped into my office, he was full of hopes that he would bail out on his own difficult life easily with my help. However, he became a curmudgeon without a hint of bonhomie as he was leaving the room. Charlie said “You don’t understand me. I’m not here to complain about postprandial lethargy! I am in deep, incurable pain and I’m desperately asking you to take compassion on me!” I told him that all I could do for him is to prescribe some tranquilizer for better sleep at night, which was never the deep sleep he desired beyond the point of no return. His signature way of saying goodbye as he was taking off was “Alright, alright. I’m gonna hang tight ‘till you listen to me, Doc J. See you in two weeks.




Three winters with Charlie had passed. Not a single session had been skipped or put off for those years. Neither Charlie nor I had ever been shilly-shally about our own thoughts or morals on euthanasia. He wanted to let go of his lifeline reluctantly tethered to this world, whereas I needed to hold on tight to the outside chance of prolonging his life with miraculous medicine. Charlie was holding a special place in my heart, because my own father died of lung cancer, too. Although Charlie said I did not understand at all how hard it was for him to carry on his life like that in pain, I wholeheartedly felt every single strain of his agony and even be tempted to get him a secret doctor for his wishful ending.




Charlie didn’t show up for two sessions in a row. His words ‘I’m gonna hang tight’ were lingering in my ears for weeks. I contacted his children several times, but no news or response came back. When the deciduous trees in the front yard of my office started to shed their leaves, I received a letter from Charlie. Looking down at the envelope on my desk, I hoped against hope that the letter had not conveyed any frustrating message about Charlie’s impending death. Slowly and nervously, I ripped open the envelope. “Doc J, sorry that I missed a couple of our therapy sessions. As you may already know, I have desired to dash headlong towards my end instead of crossing each day off on my calendar. I’m still in the midst of pain and wondering if I’d better be off heavily breathing in my bed….or peacefully sleeping in my coffin.” I do wish I had the answer to that question for life, saying to myself ‘Please hang tight, Charlie, ‘till we all have the answer.’










Expressions

     1.   suspiration: The act of sighing, or fetching a long and deep breath; a deep respiration; a sigh.

     2.   to bail out on somebody: to depart and leave someone behind;

     3.   curmudgeon: a bad-tempered or grumpy person, especially an old one

     4.  bonhomie: geniality; friendliness; conviviality

     5.   postprandial: during or relating to the period after dinner or lunch/  occurring after a meal

     6.   to hang tight: to wait before doing anything

     7.   shilly-shally: (adjective/ verb) in an irresolute, undecided, or hesitating manner

     8.   be tethered to ….: to be fastened or restrained or connected to….

     9.   to hope against hope that…: to hope without any basis for expecting fulfillment

10.headlong: recklessly/ without pause or delay