Dr. Jedidiah’s Diary
Dr. Jedidiah is a psychiatrist who loves
traveling, meeting new people, and exploring different cultures. As a single
father who lost his wife to drug overdose 10 years ago, he has not been his old
perky self for the last decade. During those hard years, he has met hundreds
of, thousands of people from various walks of life around all over the world.
Meeting new people and listening to their stories outside his office have given
him different feelings from the ones through the formal encounter groups or support
groups for therapy. These people he has accidentally come across were the paths
through which Dr. Jedidiah could look back on his own life, being truly honest
with himself. Here is Dr. Jedidiah’s monologue that has left him with some food
for thoughts in life….or a fodder to justify his own mistakes in the past.
Episode # 46. Rachel Was Not There Anymore
Back when I was working for the official team of
psychiatrists for actors and actresses in Hollywood, I had always been extra careful
not to get deeply involved with any of those famous people’s lives in and
outside of the set. As well aware, Tinseltown is the stenchful cesspool
of scandalous headline makers. I was able to feel and smell the disgraceful
vibe in every corner of the world of show biz. Every Tuesday afternoon, I was sitting
right there in a trailer for actors, waiting for Rachel. She was no longer on
the A-list for acting or one of the biggest box office draws at all, but
rather had become a ‘has-been’ actress. However, I saw the light in her eyes
that was not dead. The light in her eyes exuded passion from her glorious past that
seemed eager to be seen and rekindled again.
Rachel sounded so modest and down-to-earth when we first
met. She said, “You know what, Dr. J. I’m so glad that I am here on set today. As
you can imagine, the full cast for a film is always in a state of flux….and
that’s why you are in limbo until you literally find yourself in the
actor’s trailer. Moreover, I am here with a psychiatric consultant on set! That
means I’ll be on the screen no matter what, and that’s that. Well…unless the
movie could never make it to theatres.” I
did not know my presence would mean so much to the actress, which helped her feel
secure and certain about her hard-earned role.
My 7 month-long consultation sessions with Rachel were supposed
to help her stay unaffected by her role of an old pessimistic pimpstress
in the film. Whenever I asked her how she was feeling, she was trying to fake a
smile and said “Couldn’t be better.” Through her eyes and sighs, I could tell
she was pretending to look upbeat and always be ready to roister with all the other
staff involved if needed. Although what I had to do there was to alienate her
from her movie character on a weekly basis, it was not easy to keep detaching
Rachel away from what she was living in the film setting. She said she wanted
to come back to her normal life when the cameras were turned off, but she was
still reeling from the movie scenes where a lot of secret clients were contacting
her for behind-the-curtain arrangements with ladies. Her eyes were full of
passion for acting, but still look so sad enough to say that she was not just
acting. Rachel often complained of on-and-off migraines especially on the day
when she was playing the scene where she deceived her own cousins into the
business of escort agency. She said her role brought back her own bitter
memories she had in her hey days. Rachel looked so discommoded by that
role and the story of the movie even though her acting career itself was her desideratum.
Rachel’s dresser in the trailer was like a place for a
has-been actress who had seen better days but also been there in bitterness of
dirty secrets of Hollywood, where so many young ones shooting for stardom had hunkered
down for downslope or ended up getting victimized by their own dreams. I
still remember her last words on our final consultation. “Don’t worry, Dr. J.
The Rachel Dee you used to know back in the 90s is not here anymore. I am just
one of those hard working old actresses now… But at least I am here right in front
of you, making sure to be seen on the screen pretty soon.”
Expressions
1. Tinseltown: Hollywood,
or the superficially glamorous world it represents
2. box office
draws: successful actors who many people will pay to see
3. in a
state of flux: a state of uncertainty about what should be
done (usually following some important event) preceding the establishment of a
new direction of action
4.
to be in limbo: an
uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or
condition.
5. a
pimpstress: a female version of pimp
6. to
reel from ….: to lose one's balance and stagger or to
walk in a staggering manner out of …./ to struggle with….
7. to
be discommoded: to be disturbed/ annoyed
8. desideratum: something
that’s needed or wanted
9. to
hunker down for something: to get prepared/ brace oneself for
something
